It’s not you, it’s him

Sometimes you can go out with a man and the chemistry just isn’t there. You can spend an evening with the nicest man in the world and you just don’t click. It happens! It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, you’ve chosen each other from a picture in an online catalogue after all.

I had a date a few weeks back with a nice man (yes it does happen sometimes). Neil was polite and nice looking but I think we both knew within about half an hour that we weren’t attracted to each other. Nevertheless we spent a few hours together and at the end of the evening we kissed on the cheek (no tongue tiddlywinks!), said our goodbyes and that was that.

As I’ve said before, if a man shows any red light behaviour then you’re perfectly at liberty to leave early. In this instance, two polite people decided to “see it through” even though they both knew it was probably going nowhere. Why?

1. It’s the decent thing to do! Some people would dispute this and say it’s a waste of time spending an evening with someone when it’s not likely to go anywhere. However, you’ve both invested a certain amount of time getting ready (in his case he’s shaved and sprayed himself liberally with Lynx!) and you can still have a really good time.

2. Love doesn’t always smack you around the face the moment you set eyes on someone. There’s always the chance that attraction will grow when you start to get to know each other.

3. It’s an evening out and even though you don’t fancy each other, maybe you’ll become friends. I’ve become good friends with a few men that I’ve dated.

From what I hear and have experienced, men are less likely to see a date through than women. I’ve had several dates that lasted less than half an hour with lame excuses such as “Oh no, I left something in the oven”, “sorry, I’ve just remembered I have to go to work” and “I’ve just realised I’m supposed to be at Dunwich beach to see the full moon, you don’t mind if I just go do you?”. Actually yes I do bloody well mind. I had a 45 minute drive to get here, I haven’t eaten (because you invited me to dinner), and I endured the agony of having my moustache waxed for the occasion! Actually though, you’ve shown me that you’re a complete wanker so clearly you’re not worth getting to know anyway!

My friend Susie arranged to meet a man outside a bar. He’d suggested a drink and dinner so she’d dressed up to the nines. He was late and she was standing outside the bar on her own, but surrounded by other people. Eventually he arrived, looked her up and down, said “nope” loudly and walked away. The poor woman had to endure the stares of other people and feeling utterly humiliated. Add to this the cost of her taxi fare, babysitter and having her hair done, not to mention the time getting ready, and she’d invested quite a bit on this date. Worst of all it completely crushed her confidence and she didn’t date for ages afterwards.

Another friend, Natalie, agreed to meet a man, Dick, at a local bar for a drink. She could tell that he wasn’t interested by the way he looked her over but he suggested that they went inside for a drink. At the bar Dick hardly spoke to Natalie and sat with his back towards her, giving the impression that they weren’t even together. He went to the loo and a minute later his pager bleeped (she thinks he paged himself).  He made the excuse of a “construction site issue” (on a Saturday night?) and hurried out the door, never to be seen again.

If you’re unfortunate enough to meet someone like this, it’s important to remember that this is HIS wankery behaviour and it has nothing to do with you. Both Susie and Natalie are gorgeous, articulate and intelligent women.

Some of these 50+ men are on their own for the first time in 20 or more years and carry on as though they’re testosterone charged teenagers with no social skills.  They treat dating sites like an online candy store, rich for the picking! They’re probably looking for sex and their shag radar has developed just enough to sum up the kind of woman you are within the first few minutes. In their eyes, if you’re not going to give out, it’s not worth the effort. If they leave now, there might be time to get in with their back-up plan! In a way it’s a compliment because you’re far too good for them. Perhaps they should think about how their sister or daughter would feel if she was treated the same way!

All right, so maybe you’re not his type, but unless you’ve behaved in a red light manner a decent guy will stay and go through with the date, at least for a couple of hours.  It’s possible that he might enjoy your company if he tried to get to know you!

Just remember that you’re gorgeous, fabulous and a real “catch”. Carry on being yourself, enjoy your life and believe that there are truly decent men out there! The old adage is true, you’re going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince!

2. Choosing a photograph….

Dating site advertisements are full of photographs of men looking handsome, smiley and sophisticated!  Definitely not the motley selection I have on my screen as I write this! For the most part it’s not a question of “wow, he looks nice”, more like “ah well, he looks a bit cleaner/more sober/less beardy/less like a convict than the others”.

I’m constantly amazed at the photographs men post of themselves on dating sites. I mean, this is a kind of shop window right? If you were advertising yourself in Debenhams’ window, wouldn’t you shower, put on a smart, clean outfit and brush your hair (if you have any)?

If you’re a man reading this, here’s a list of what not to show, based on pictures of men that I’ve seen.

Pictures taken on mobile phones.

1. Closeups make your nose look big and your head misshapen, a bit like looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.  It also makes you look a bit cross-eyed and shifty.

2.  Arms length pictures of you, again taken on your mobile phone. Most of the picture is of your extended arm, holding the phone and with your face in the far distance so I can’t see what you look like.

3.  Photographs of you taken in your bathroom mirror showing the loo seat up and displaying sundry ointments for places where the sun doesn’t shine. Similar photos of you in the kitchen in front of a tower of washing up and in the bedroom with your dirty washing spilling out over the floor. One reaction…..ewwwwwww!!! What are you actually looking for, the woman of your dreams or a housekeeper?  Believe me when I say that the woman of your dreams will remain…in your dreams!

NOTE: If you’ve had to take your own photographs the connotation is “this man has no friends”.

Pictures with others

4. Photographs of you with young children.  Are you completely bonkers? Why would you post photos of your kids on the internet?

5. Photos of you with your arms draped around a woman. You might think this makes you look popular and charming, but actually it makes you look like a philanderer with wandering hands. Whether it’s your beautiful ex-wife or you paid a stranger to pose with you, chop her off or find another photo!

6. Photos of you posing with a large snake draped around your torso may make you feel macho but will make me wonder how small your penis is.

7. Why on earth would you think women would be interested in a photo of you holding a large fish? Any woman who has had a relationship with a man who goes fishing knows this is a strange and all-consuming hobby for loners with poor social skills (the same goes for birdwatchers). Better to keep it to yourself at this stage.

8. Pictures of you standing in the pub with your mates, wearing a football shirt and holding up a pint will make me assume you’re an ageing lager lout, even if you have a PhD in quantum physics and are an expert in string theory.

Miscellaneous

9. Please don’t post pictures of yourself wearing women’s clothes, even if it’s your favourite negligee. I’d never date a man who looked better in a dress than I do!

10. Closeups of your tattoos (even if you’ve spelt them correctly) will not make me want to date you. For people of our generation, tattoos are not something to be proud of and usually indicate a dodgy, not bohemian, past. Tattoos listing names of ex-wives and children just show that you have a poor memory or can’t count.

11. NO!!!!! I don’t want to see you without your clothes on, even if you think you are Adonis (and to be frank you’re not are you?)! (By the way I’m an expert on Photoshop and I can tell if you’ve super-imposed your head onto someone else’s body). One other thing….a string vest and Y-fronts is not the male equivalent of a Wonder-bra and panties.

12. My pet hate….very out of date photographs! The thing is….women notice these things. We’re incredibly observant and can spot a mullet and Wall Street era braces a mile off. I really don’t need to know that you were a Wham look-alike at Club Tropicana back in the 80s (even if you’re pretending the photo was taken in the Maldives last year). I want to see what you look like now!

13. I know that’s not your Harley Davidson because I can see the photograph was taken in the showroom and you’re sitting the wrong way round.

Think carefully about what your photographs say about you. Ask a woman friend to take some photographs of you, she’ll love helping out with this.  If all else fails PAY for some decent photographs.

Generally women are looking for someone reliable, honest and truthful, amongst other things. We have a gift for analysing and reading into things, and that includes your photographs. Everything we see in your photos gives clues about your character and lifestyle and believe me, we’re looking for clues! We might be able to forgive wallpaper choices, but if there’s even a sniff of something unsavoury in your photographs it will put us off you, before we’ve even started!