2. Choosing a photograph….

Dating site advertisements are full of photographs of men looking handsome, smiley and sophisticated!  Definitely not the motley selection I have on my screen as I write this! For the most part it’s not a question of “wow, he looks nice”, more like “ah well, he looks a bit cleaner/more sober/less beardy/less like a convict than the others”.

I’m constantly amazed at the photographs men post of themselves on dating sites. I mean, this is a kind of shop window right? If you were advertising yourself in Debenhams’ window, wouldn’t you shower, put on a smart, clean outfit and brush your hair (if you have any)?

If you’re a man reading this, here’s a list of what not to show, based on pictures of men that I’ve seen.

Pictures taken on mobile phones.

1. Closeups make your nose look big and your head misshapen, a bit like looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.  It also makes you look a bit cross-eyed and shifty.

2.  Arms length pictures of you, again taken on your mobile phone. Most of the picture is of your extended arm, holding the phone and with your face in the far distance so I can’t see what you look like.

3.  Photographs of you taken in your bathroom mirror showing the loo seat up and displaying sundry ointments for places where the sun doesn’t shine. Similar photos of you in the kitchen in front of a tower of washing up and in the bedroom with your dirty washing spilling out over the floor. One reaction…..ewwwwwww!!! What are you actually looking for, the woman of your dreams or a housekeeper?  Believe me when I say that the woman of your dreams will remain…in your dreams!

NOTE: If you’ve had to take your own photographs the connotation is “this man has no friends”.

Pictures with others

4. Photographs of you with young children.  Are you completely bonkers? Why would you post photos of your kids on the internet?

5. Photos of you with your arms draped around a woman. You might think this makes you look popular and charming, but actually it makes you look like a philanderer with wandering hands. Whether it’s your beautiful ex-wife or you paid a stranger to pose with you, chop her off or find another photo!

6. Photos of you posing with a large snake draped around your torso may make you feel macho but will make me wonder how small your penis is.

7. Why on earth would you think women would be interested in a photo of you holding a large fish? Any woman who has had a relationship with a man who goes fishing knows this is a strange and all-consuming hobby for loners with poor social skills (the same goes for birdwatchers). Better to keep it to yourself at this stage.

8. Pictures of you standing in the pub with your mates, wearing a football shirt and holding up a pint will make me assume you’re an ageing lager lout, even if you have a PhD in quantum physics and are an expert in string theory.

Miscellaneous

9. Please don’t post pictures of yourself wearing women’s clothes, even if it’s your favourite negligee. I’d never date a man who looked better in a dress than I do!

10. Closeups of your tattoos (even if you’ve spelt them correctly) will not make me want to date you. For people of our generation, tattoos are not something to be proud of and usually indicate a dodgy, not bohemian, past. Tattoos listing names of ex-wives and children just show that you have a poor memory or can’t count.

11. NO!!!!! I don’t want to see you without your clothes on, even if you think you are Adonis (and to be frank you’re not are you?)! (By the way I’m an expert on Photoshop and I can tell if you’ve super-imposed your head onto someone else’s body). One other thing….a string vest and Y-fronts is not the male equivalent of a Wonder-bra and panties.

12. My pet hate….very out of date photographs! The thing is….women notice these things. We’re incredibly observant and can spot a mullet and Wall Street era braces a mile off. I really don’t need to know that you were a Wham look-alike at Club Tropicana back in the 80s (even if you’re pretending the photo was taken in the Maldives last year). I want to see what you look like now!
13. I know that’s not your Harley Davidson because I can see the photograph was taken in the showroom and you’re sitting the wrong way round.
Think carefully about what your photographs say about you. Ask a woman friend to take some photographs of you, she’ll love helping out with this.  If all else fails PAY for some decent photographs.
Generally women are looking for someone reliable, honest and truthful, amongst other things. We have a gift for analysing and reading into things, and that includes your photographs. Everything we see in your photos gives clues about your character and lifestyle and believe me, we’re looking for clues! We might be able to forgive wallpaper choices, but if there’s even a sniff of something unsavoury in your photographs it will put us off you, before we’ve even started!
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