It’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it

 

 

I love to read men’s profiles. They’re a real insight into how useless some of them are at making themselves appeal to women.

Here are some corkers from HeBay:

 

“She’s got to like animals, especially dogs as I have two. They should also love good food and like to cook as I am total rubbish in the kitchen.” 

I’m a dreadful cook too. Fortunately my dog is a cordon bleu chef and is willing to do all the cooking.

 

“ihave changed my profile due to woman on here getting the wrong idea”

I’d love to know what was on it before, do tell.

 

“i dont mind big girls but if you cant fit into my plane lets not waste our time”

Oooh it’s just like Cinderella. The girl whose bum fits wins Prince Charming!

 

“Would one of you lot tell me where you buy your magic mirrors?? you know ones where you look at it and see gwenith paltrow looking back!!!”

In the same shop you bought your Gorge Clooney mirror from.

 

“I like to play bowels which I have done for the past 17 years.”

Aha! That would account for the painful looking expression on your profile pic.

 

“i like to dress casual but will put a suite on if needed”

Why buy furniture if you can wear it?

“I live alone with my beautiful big dog.  Looking back I guess I’ve always had more affiliation with animals than girls”

…and looking forward that’s likely to continue. I hope you’ll be very happy together.

 

“I don’t know anybody and I don’t have a social life”

That’s ok, I’ll introduce you to all my friends and take you to parties. If we go to your place we can just cuddle on the sofa with a dvd and a bottle of wine.

 

“I am very partial to a generous chest although many features can be attractive not least confidence and a smile.” 

You’re going to talk to my tits aren’t you?

 

“Not wantong anything serious just discreet meetings every now and then with no strings attached and marital status doesnt matter as long as your not a drama queen cause im not looking for trouble just some hot sex from time to time.” 

Translation: “I’m a married man looking for a bit on the side. I don’t want you turning up at my house and my wife finding out, I just want a shag when I feel like it.”

Anyone using the word “discreet” in their profile is married.

 

“if your name has a Z in it , dont bother unless your names Zoe, (or Zeena) ,” 

Aren’t you narrowing it down a bit? Would you consider a Zelda or a Zara?

 

“laugh an the world laughs with you,fart an your on your own. thought i,d add that as no one reads these. p,s i was jokeing with the above.apparantly some don,t get it.(yes i don,t do gammar or spelling,just humour….?)”

Actually I do read profiles. Yours had me ROFLing! I’m astounded that some women don’t understand  your humour. I can see that you don’t do grammar and spelling but you more than make up for it with your hilarious wit. (Note to self: must start telling more fart jokes).

 

If you’ve come across any smashers like this, do share, I’d love to hear them.