3. Writing about yourself…..

If men can be clueless when choosing a photograph for their profiles, let’s see what they write about themselves. Here’s an example of someone whose photograph was interesting enough for me to click on his profile:

I do’nt have a hobby probaly being single I like fishing but do’nt go regerly I like to make wine but not often I supose I would change if I met someone interest was in the same subject the stuff I have written here is true but boring well my kids are’nt boring but I would say that I am there dad I am an excelant cook but I have no one to cook for and cooking nice meals for youself is just sad”[sic]

I was tempted to write to him as follows:

“Dear Happyandsmiling306

I felt so depressed after reading your profile that I needed a lie down with a large G&T and some chocolate. It could have been written by Eeyore, it’s so downbeat.

The grammar and spelling is awful so I’d suggest you use spell check or ask one of your kids to check it for you. The lack of punctuation is fine if you’re James Joyce experimenting with the stream of consciousness, but as you’ve put your qualifications down as a CSE Grade 5 in Resistant Materials, I’m guessing you’re probably not.

It’s good that you’re willing to write the truth but in this case I don’t think it’s doing you any favours. I didn’t think you were THAT boring until you drew my attention to it! It’s possible that you were attempting to be self-deprecating, but my impression is of a man with such low self-esteem, he can’t be bothered.

I’m sure they are wonderful but nobody is interested in reading about your kids, women want to hear about YOU!  Unless you’re one half of the Brady Bunch, just leave your children out of your profile. You can talk about them later, hopefully on a date!

You need to try writing as though you really want to meet someone. Your chances of meeting a woman who likes fishing and winemaking are about 0.1% so I’d ditch the idea of finding someone with those interests and concentrate on your excellent cooking skills. Women LOVE men who are able to cook.

You’re right, cooking for one isn’t much fun, unless you’re Heston Blumenthal. All single people know that, we just don’t admit it to anyone else!

Nice photo though!

Rubarbs”

Some of you may think I’m really mean criticising the way someone writes (I’ve been occasionally known to split the odd infinitive myself). Yes I know some people are dyslexic/can’t spell/are uneducated/can’t type and it’s not their fault, but if you were applying for a job wouldn’t you ask someone to check over your application? Well it’s the same on a dating site.  You’re trying to make an impression, sell yourself, whatever! Like I said in my last post, it’s your shop window.

One thing in HappyandSmiling’s favour is that he doesn’t use text-speak.  Am I the only person on the planet who doesn’t understand this? Some men’s profiles are so littered with abbreviations and acronyms that I’m completely unable to read them without the help of transl8it.com or the surly 14 year old next door. It’s hard enough trying to decipher a one line text message but a whole profile would have been a challenge for Bletchley Park!

Here’s an example:

“I M a 🙂 LuvN guy n my 50s w a gud senS of humr. LMAO. I wk hard & plA hard & I’m l%kin 4 a lik mnded wmn 2 plA alng w me. ROFL. my ideal 1st D8 wud b a wlk on th bch w a bag of chps LOL”

This translates as:

“I am a fun loving guy in my 50s with a good sense of humour. Laughing my ass off. I work hard and play hard and I’m looking for a like minded woman to play along with me. Rolling on the floor laughing. My ideal first date would be a walk on the beach with a bag of chips. Laugh out loud.”

See what I mean? These are profiles written by 50 plus men who are trying to appeal to 50 plus women, not teenagers. They may as well be written in Japanese for all I can understand them! What’s so difficult about writing the words “in” or “the” in full?

Now aside from the ridiculous abbreviations, I just don’t get these acronyms. LMAO? Do they actually speak like this in real life? When the boss cracks a joke do they say “ha ha, too funny, I’m laughing my arse off boss”?

What I really don’t understand though is WHY they’re laughing their arses off, rolling on the floor or laughing out loud. It’s not like they’re saying anything vaguely witty or amusing!

A date with someone who uses text-speak in their profile? OMG I’m LMFAO just thinking about it … FFS!

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